Question: After seeing a syndicated episode of SATC, I was wondering what you ladies thought about "sex with an ex"?
Ah, sex with an ex. This can go two ways:
1) Hot. Familiar. Naughty. Fun.
I lean towards awkward, personally. There’s always that terrible moment when you realize that YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH AN EX. An ex you probably broke up with for good reason. And now you hate the feeling of their tongue down your throat. Post-sex, there’s the super awkward, “Do I call you? Do you call me? Do we act like this never happened?”
But, of course, sex with an ex can be great, especially if you parted on amicable terms. One major advantage to sex with an ex is you’re getting laid, but not increasing “your number.” It’s like a sneaking into another movie when you’ve only bought one ticket. Quite helpful during a dry spell!
Before falling into bed with an ex, ask yourself these questions:
- Would my girlfriends scream (and not in a good way) if I told them I slept with my ex?
- Was he an asshole in the relationship?
- Is he dating someone else right now, too?
- Can I walk away from this experience and still feel good about myself?
- If he calls me post-sex, will it be friendly or tense?
- Why am I sleeping with him? For pleasure? For old time’s sake? To validate myself?
The answers to these questions will reveal if sex with an ex is a good idea… or just a waste of time. After all, if you’re sleeping with an ex, you’re not meeting anyone new!
Question: I can only orgasm with finger stimulation to my clit, is this normal? I enjoy having sex- but it does not do anything.
Additional info: I am 20 years old and only have been with one guy.
Sorry for the delay in answering this post – I wanted to consult with a few of my closest girls and get their thoughts too.
The consensus is this is normal – especially at 20 years old and only being with one guy.
When I first started masturbating I could only orgasm by stimulating my clit. This lasted a long time, until I found other methods for orgasm (read: G spot).
If you enjoy having sex, and your guy is willing to do his part to give you an orgasm with his fingers (or other body part of choice) than have at it and don’t worry!
If you are feeling that you’re missing out on penetration orgasms – then I would suggest exploring that area when you feel comfortable. First, by yourself – figure out what feels good with your hand or a vibrator. Once you know what works for you, it’s easier to direct your guy to that place!
But remember, some women can only have penetration orgasms, others only have clitoral ones – and some don’t have any! Love your body and remember we’re all different.
“I have a question I am dying to have discussed. My girlfriends and I are wondering how common is it for women to have long labia? It seems among my group of friends that there is only two of us who have this, and we are just wondering if we are especially odd, or fairly normal?” – Anonymous
First and foremost it is important to remember that women’s vaginas are all different. They vary in size, shape, color and hair. There is no “normal”.
It is hard to determine how common this is because most women only compare their parts to pornographic pictures or videos. The women who do porn for a living are chosen because they look a certain way. And that look becomes the “ideal” for anyone comparing themselves.
Let’s remember that women in pornography or XXX magazines are often surgically altered – and this can include surgery on their girlie bits! Pictures can also be edited. So, there is no telling how anyone’s body really looks in person.
As long as a long labia doesn’t interfere with your life (walking around, wearing clothes) it shouldn’t impact how you feel about your body.
But, if you still want to know how “normal” a long labia is, we can take a poll:
Thanks for participating!
If you have a question you can ask here anonymously. All questions are free game. Ask away!
"I am a 20-something living with my boyfriend (now fiancé) of 4 years. My problem is that I have a really hard time getting into it and then keeping myself ‘in the moment’ when we are being intimate. I know that part of this can probably be attributed to the birth control/anxiety meds I am on, as well as the stress of finishing up my college degree. But, I really want to be able to stay in the mood! Suggestions?"
My mind wanders a lot during sex. I think you’d be hard-pressed to find a woman who hasn’t thought about the dirty laundry or whether the dog is eating the sofa in the middle of passionate love-making. Sometimes I find myself balancing my checkbook in my head! I’ve even felt BAD for having sex because there’s a million other “more productive” things I could’ve been doing with my time – but that’s crazy! Our sex lives are so important. But we still feel guilty for devoting time and energy to it, and I think it’s because women are natural jugglers and multi-taskers. How often do we only allow ourselves to do one thing? Almost never!
My first piece of advice is give yourself permission to think about nothing else besides your fiancé and seski time when you are bumpin’ uglies. Self-permission is huge; as it frees you from subconsciously feeling guilty about not doing something else. Remind yourself that this is your moment to just enjoy your man and your body, and that all the other chores can wait.
Secondly, it’s okay to MAKE IT QUICK! This might be worth discussing with your fiancé – so many men think that women can only get into sex if it’s loooong and drawn out. Foreplay is great and a pivotal part of lovemaking; however, it’s my personal preference that all sexual activities stay under 15 minutes or less. Maybe I just have ADD, but I can’t stay focused for much longer too often. Quickies are HOT!
Thirdly, and this relates to point #2, mix it up. Your mind likely wanders because you’ve been there, done that before. So, take the party to your bathroom counter, the kitchen floor, the washing machine – ANYWHERE new and unique.
And lastly, don’t feel bad if your mind wanders occasionally. It’s not symptomatic of poor compatibility; it’s a natural reaction to the stresses of life. Just gently bring your mind back to the action at hand, if you catch my drift.
I have to admit has started to happen to me recently. It’s really weird since it had never been a problem in the past. But, recent worries like money and job stuff has me a little more preoccupied than usual.
I’m going to break this down since you said there are two issues here: 1. Getting into it and 2. Staying into it.
1. Getting into it – This takes effort simply because men and women are wired differently. A guy’s sex drive is like a car that’s been running all day. There’s no need to warm it up, he’s ready to go.
But for girls, we’re more like a car that’s been sitting out in the cold all night. You better start up the engine and wait for it to warm up before you try to go from zero to 60!
Make sure to let him know he needs to warm you up before you start racing down the freeway (okay, are we sick of this metaphor yet?). But seriously, using that comparison might help him understand what he needs to do to take the next step towards sex.
Also, let him know how you like to be warmed up – making out, playing with your hair and kissing your neck, dirty talk… if you tell him it gets you ready he’ll do it.
Foreplay = Warming up the car
2. Staying into it – This is another big difference between men and women. My guy says he can have the world’s worst day – get fired, get his car stolen and lose his wallet… but as soon as I sit on his lap and kiss his neck nothing else in the world exists.
The reality for women is if you’re worried about work or school it’s not as easy to clear your mind and only think about sex. But, letting go of everything else and being in the moment with your man is the best way to enjoy it.
If you have a lot on your mind write it all down. Keep yourself organized with how you will tackle those problems/tasks later or tomorrow.
Knowing that, although you are worried about school right now, you have a plan of how to fix it will help you let go for an hour and just enjoy intimate time with your guy.
If this doesn’t work and you’re in the middle of sex when you remember you didn’t finish a task – stop yourself and get back in the moment. Be aware of how his body feels and what you are doing. Think about exactly where your guy is touching you. How does it feel? Is his skin warm, soft, tough? How does he smell? Just be in the moment and enjoy it.
Your concerns will be there when you’re done, but for now you are making love…
Got a question for Bee and Mo? Send it to us at email@example.com!
Just wanted to say THANKS for supporting the launch of My Girlie Bits. We envision this site as a community blog and want to include your thoughts as much as possible.
We’re interested in guest posts (which can be anonymous) as well as questions (also anonymous). If you have a burning, itching question (hopefully, not literally; however, we can answer those question, too!), send it to us at firstname.lastname@example.org. If we can’t answer your question, we’ll find someone who can.
Mo and Bee
I was a curious kid. I would poke a stick into ant hills just to see what would happen; I would climb trees so I could look out over the rest of the neighborhood; once I ate cat food to see what it tastes like (it was gross).
One day when I was 12 years old or so, I found an old back massager in a spare closet. Now, not only was I very curious, but I was also pretty in-touch with my new body and all the neat things it could do (like… orgasm! Woo hoo!). I think you know what happened next!
If anyone ever tries to convince you that people actually use back massagers to massage their backs, THEY ARE LYING. Back massagers are vibrators for people who are too shy to go into a sex shop.
I’m a pretty liberal person who will try almost anything once. That includes a range of fun gadgets to ignite your sexual activities – whether I am flying solo or in pair. My all-time favorite is furry handcuffs – it adds a level of excitement and interest to seksi time without being overly intense or naughty. I’ll admit that the old back massagers still makes a regular appearance in my life.
A great site for more traditional toys is Adam and Eve, which will discretely ship your toy to you in an unmarked box. They even have a fun Holiday-themed toy for you to stuff in your stocking. If you catch my drift.
Ever used a sex toy? What’s you’re favorite? Share the details – I want to know!
Question from a Twitter Reader: How do I keep sex interesting, fun and passionate after 5 years?!?
Answer: I totally feel you on the idea that sex is super fun and exciting at first and for some reason kind of patters out after a few years. Keeping it exciting takes effort. I know, that sucks because it never took effort in the beginning, but if you want a happy sex life you’re going to have to work at it just like any other aspect of your relationship.
Here are some suggestions:
- Lingerie, guys LOVE it and you’ll feel sexy in it once you see his reaction. I am always reluctant to wear lingerie because I’m self conscious of my body, but the look in my guy’s eyes makes me realize he thinks I look hot and that’s really all that matters in that moment. Victoria Secret has sexy stuff, Fredrick’s is a little more slutty – but I love both places for different reason. My question for you: When was the last time you bought new lingerie? If you had to think for a minute, it’s been too long.
- Relax. It’s hard to get in the mood when you’re thinking about work, cleaning, money, etc. Relax! Unwind before he gets home. Or stop by a candle store on your way home from work and just walk around for a bit. Take a few minutes for you. Make sure your head is in a happy place and the rest of you will follow.
- Get Glammed Up – Shave your legs, put on lotion, light some candles, wear something that makes you feel good. It all sounds cliché, but it works. Set the mood around you and it will be easier for the mood in you to appear
- Visit that XXX shop in town. Take your man to a sex shop and let him know what you think is sexy/fun. You don’t even have to be very adventurous – try a new lube or a cheesy dice game. Just going there will put sex on the radar for both of you.